That Thing Called Doubt
by ejzah
Summary: As impending fatherhood approaches, Deeks has some lingering concerns. Set a bit in the future.


A/N: It seems like I haven't posted anything angsty in a while.

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Kensi ran her finger over the picture displayed on her lap and reached out to grasp Deeks' free hand which was resting on the console between them. He was driving them back from her 20 week ultrasound which had gone as perfectly as could be expected. Kensi couldn't stop grinning as she stared down at their tiny Baby Deeks. The blobby form of their son or daughter was absolutely gorgeous.

"Hey," she said, giving Deeks hand a tug. He'd been pretty silent throughout the appointment and since they'd left the hospital. After a moment he turned to her, his expression distracted. "What are you thinking about?" He pulled in a deep, sighing breath, shaking his head.

"Nothing. Just work," he answered, his face clearing. Kensi squeezed his hand again, unable stop from smiling.

"Baby, we're having a baby. Do you realize we're going to be parents in a few months?" Kensi asked, as though either of them needed reminding. She'd been in a near giddy state since they'd found out they were pregnant roughly 15 weeks ago. Even the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy hadn't reduced the excitement. Each appointment and milestone they reached was a new reason to celebrate.

"Yeah." Deeks voice was subdued and though he smiled in return, it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Deeks, what's wrong?" she asked, wondering if it was really something work related. They were typically pretty open these days, but occasionally Deeks liked to keep things to himself, still operating under the false assumption that he was somehow protecting Kensi.

"It's nothing," he insisted, turning his attention back to the road. "You want to get some ice cream before we get to the mission?" Kensi allowed the topic change and didn't bring up Deeks' strange behavior for the rest of the ride.

Deeks continued to be more distracted and reserved than normal throughout the day. If she was being honest with herself, this wasn't the first day she'd noticed Deeks acting unusual. When they'd first found out she was pregnant, he'd been just as ecstatic as she was. They'd started preparing for the new little person in their lives, buying way too many clothes and toys, reading as many parenting and pregnancy books as they could…but something had changed in the last few weeks.

Deeks was still with her every step of the way, but the excitement, the happiness was diminished. Now that she'd finally admitted that something was wrong, Kensi couldn't ignore how concerned she was. She watched him silently work while Callen and Sam chattered around him and knew something needed to be done.

"Babe, what's wrong?" she asked again once they were back home. Deeks actually looked surprised by the question. "And please don't tell me nothing again. You were practically zoned out all day after my ultrasound."

"I've just had a lot on my mind," he said quietly, staring at the floor. And if there were ever a sign that Marty Deeks was not being completely honest with her, there it was. It amazed her sometimes that someone who frequently told lies for a living, couldn't look her in the eye when he was hiding something.

"Deeks, I'm not buying it. You're not acting like yourself and I can't help but think it's something to do with the baby. Are you having second thoughts?" His head sprang up immediately at her last question.

"Of course not! Why would you even think that?" he asked, sounding stunned and a little hurt.

"Then what's going on?" Kensi demanded with clear frustration.

"It's not what you think. I'm–" He cut himself short and pinched the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut. Kensi watched him breathe in and out a few times and then he whispered, "I'm worried." Kensi nearly laughed in relief.

"I'm worried too, babe. I think every prospective parent is."

"No. I don't mean I'm worried about the normal stuff like how many times you should feed a baby–well, I mean I am worried about that stuff too. But I just keep thinking what if I turn into a horrible person?" Finally, he looked up and Kensi's heart clenched. Tears, which always seemed to be a ready commodity these days, pricked at the back of her eyes as she finally understood.

"Oh my god, Deeks, you are nothing like your father, and you're not going to turn into him," she said, reaching out to grasp his hand when he continued to look distraught. "Baby, I'm serious." Deeks had been plagued by these same fears off and on for years. She knew he would never completely be free of those doubts, but she'd thought it had gotten a lot better in the last couple years. Clearly she was wrong.

"I'm sure my dad didn't think he was going to beat his wife and kid, either, but look what happened."

"Deeks, that kind of thing doesn't just come from nowhere. You are the kindest, most gentle man I know. There is no way I believe you could or ever will lay a hand on me or our baby," Kensi insisted. She took a step closer, but Deek instantly moved just out of reach. He let out one of his shaky, breathy laughs that usually meant he was close to a breaking point.

"You know, I keep telling myself that, but then I remember that I'm also a guy who's tried to torture people to get information. I've shot people, I've beaten people up because I was angry," he paused and ran his hand through his hair. "I've hurt people because I thought they deserved it and whenever I remember that, I can't help thinking that that same person in me could do something else really terrible."

Kensi bit her lip against a sob, waiting until she was sure she would be able to speak without her voice shaking too much. Closing the space between them, she cupped Deeks' jaw between her palms. She guided his face downwards and waited until he finally looked her in the eye again.

"Marty Deeks, I trust you with my life and the life our child. Nothing is going to change that. Ever. And I will keep you this until you believe it. You are my everything," she whispered fiercely. Deeks lets out another shuddery breath and she pressed her lips to his quickly before he could say anything.

"How can you possibly trust me that much?" he asked, still bewildered after all this time. Kensi smiled, a few tears trickling out as she did, and brushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Because I know you and I have faith in you. And I love you." Deeks' arms suddenly enveloped her in a fierce hug. They clung to each other for several moments while he whispered nearly unintelligible words. It didn't matter thought, she understood anyway. Finally he pulled her face up to his and kissed her with the same intensity.

"I promise I will never give you a reason to doubt me," he said. "I love you so much."

"I know, baby. And I can't wait to see you be a daddy. You're going to be wonderful." They stayed wrapped in each other's arms long after their tears had dried.


End file.
